The World in Which I Live

Musings from my life – poetry and prose

Don’t look so sad, 
It’s not so bad you know. 
It’s just another night, 
That’s all it is, it’s not the first, It’s not the worst you know, 
We’ve come through all the rest, 
We’ll get through this. 
We’ve made mistakes, But we’ve made good friends too. 
Remember all the nights we spent with them? 
And all our plans, 
Who says they can’t come true? Tonight’s another chance to start again. 
It’s just another New Year’s Eve, 
Another night like all the rest. 
It’s just another New Year’s Eve, Let’s make it the best. 
It’s just another New Year’s Eve, 
It’s just another Auld Lang Syne, 
But when we’re through this New Year You’ll see, we’ll be 
Just fine. 
We’re not alone, we’ve got the world you know. 
And it won’t let us down, just wait and see. And we’ll grow old, but think how wise we’ll grow. 
There’s more you know, it’s only New Year’s Eve. 
It’s just another New Year’s Eve, 
Another night like all the rest. It’s just another New Year’s Eve, 
Let’s make it the best. 
It’s just another New Year’s Eve, 
It’s just another Auld Lang Syne, But when we’re through this New Year, you’ll see, we’ll be 
Just fine.

It’s Just Another New Year’s Eve
Barry Manilow

It’s been several year’s since I’ve done my annual New Year’s Eve review of my life. When I was in California, I would drive to the coast just before dusk and watch the final sunset of the year and sometimes, even if only in my head, review my year, take inventory, and make plans for the coming year. I haven’t yet found my spot in Tucson, and frankly, I seem to have a Christmas Day gift of a bug that hits every year just in time to keep me housebound on New Year’s Eve. The truth is, I hate being sick, but I don’t hate being at home alone. The peace it allows me is really what I want. A chance to reflect and look inward, and maybe even on a night like tonight, write.

It’s been much longer time since I made resolutions, as there’s too much guilt attributed to failing to see those through. So each year, I hope to at least grow in some way, to expand my world just a bit, to open up to more opportunities. I have been fortunate this year to have traveled to some amazing places, Iceland, Sedona, New York, California. I’ve spent such special times with my girlfriends, the best friends and sisters in heart that any woman could hope to have. I’ve had a very healing year with my sister, something I find hard to even write about without getting a little teary. My son moved to Tucson and now I have my family here with me too. I have been so very blessed.

But because I am me, and always hoping to grow, I have to also look at the things in my life that still need to be challenged and repaired. I have, for several months, been at crossroads and stuck there, not knowing which way to go. I’ve found myself so unsure of my own ability to feel compassion and empathy, to find the balance between kindness and being taken advantage of. I’ve found myself hardened, more self-protecting than I want to be, and also feeling a great desire to just run away.

In many ways, I feel trapped in a life I built with my own hands, every choice was mine, but it led me to a place where I feel less free instead of more. I came to Arizona in a search for peace, loving friends, and freedom to come and go as I pleased. The adventure of owning my own home, now feels like a prison. I feel isolated and overwhelmed, wishing I could just rid myself of the responsibility of upkeep and yards and ever increasing property values. I know, to some that sounds like heaven, but to me, a trap.

All that said, I have my work set out for me in the coming year. I need to focus on my financial health, cleaning up matters that I’ve been faced with for the past four years, cleaning house in more ways that one and clearing the path to where I really want and need to be.

It’s become clear to me this year, that I am a person who is better off single; something I’ve always suspected but let others convince me otherwise. It’s not sad or pathetic to be single, and quite frankly, I’ve almost always felt more alone in a relationship than outside of one. I used to think it meant I was broken, but now I feel quite the opposite. I was just not built to belong to or with someone else, at least not in a “forever” sense.

I have in my life had great love, and painful, horrific, broken love affairs, but I think now I am done with all that. My friends and family offer me such love and sustenance in my life, I truly am satisfied.

So in 2020, I plan to love myself back to health, take control of my finances, open myself to finding the path I am supposed to follow and continue to pursue my purpose on this planet.

I’m just about an hour away from 2020, and I don’t even know if I’ll stay awake for the dawn of the new year, but having taken stock and knowing that my life is blessed and that nothing that is broke in my life is beyond repair, I will wake up tomorrow and soldier on. Because I do resolve to make 2020 a remarkably beautiful year.

Peace and Joy in the coming year!

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