The World in Which I Live

Musings from my life – poetry and prose

Day 1

You can start out with nothing, and out of nothing, and out of no way, a way will be made.

Reverend Michael Bernard Beckwith

“Create the kind of life you used to be jealous of.” The last sentence of the introduction. Maybe this is the place to start for me. Maybe this will help me redefine my dream for my life.

When I look back on the last 55 years on this planet, I realize that my dreams for my life have been somewhat malleable. I often pride myself on my ability to adapt to whatever life throws at me. I do adjust. I do let dreams go in order to deal with the realities of my life.

Going way back, I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I remember going to Sears, where my dad worked, and back in the 70’s instead of dressing actual beds in the home section, they would use 6′ long tables dressed with bedding. I remember telling my mom that the bed was the perfect size for eight babies, so I wanted to have eight babies when I grew up. By the time I got to high school and had done some babysitting, I was content to want three or four kids. I was sure I was going to have twins at some point, so being okay with four seemed reasonable.

I got married just before I turned 20. Yes, I know, a super-dumb idea. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. After my wedding it became abundantly clear that my husband and I were not going to have a sex life, for whatever reason, physical, psychological, orientation, (I’ll never know the truth), we simply did not have sex. After a few years, I gave up hope of ever becoming a mother. Once I came to that conclusion, I settled into it. I was just not going to be a mother. I gave that dream to the winds and began looking for other dreams.

Before I got married, I had many creative and adventurous dreams for my life. It was the 80’s, so as a woman, I still wasn’t hearing that ‘anything’ was possible. I was hearing that anything within very specific parameters was possible. I thought of being a “stewardess” (flight attendant) because I saw that as my only way to get to travel. I also wanted to be an opera singer, run off to Broadway and become a star, but settled on becoming an english/drama teacher. It seemed a reasonable career path for a creative girl; something I could justify. My secret plan was to teach during the school year and run off and do theater in the summer. It wasn’t the full dream, but it was something I thought I could get away with.

Four years into my marriage, by some miracle of timing, we moved to Victorville California. It was just before the school year was to begin, so I signed up for classes. I was 24 and going back to school. I started singing again and performing again, and I have to admit. It felt great. I felt alive again. I felt desirable and even worthy of real love.

Within a year, I finally had the strength and confidence to leave my loveless marriage. From the moment I made the decision to reclaim my life, I felt empowered in a way I never had before.

Years later, I found love again, got remarried, and had two children. A lot of stuff happened in between, but that’s a different story for a different day. An old dream, became a new reality and I got the most precious gift of my life.

So, here I am now, my daughter and son raised and living their own adult lives. I let the dreams I built in place of having children fall by the wayside in order to live my most important role, Mom. Now I am in a place where I need to start by figuring out once again, what my dreams really are. I have a nice comfortable life, a great job, and good friendships, but something is missing (and no, it is most definitely NOT a life partner). This is my effort to figure out what ir is, and decide to make it happen.

Here’s to finding the BADASS me!!!

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