The World in Which I Live

Musings from my life – poetry and prose

Day 3

If you want to find the secrets of the Universe,
think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.

Nikolas Tesla

I was brought up in a very traditional Christian upbringing. It was a little unconventional, in that I bounced around Protestantism a bit. I was christened by an Episcopalian minister in a non-denominational military chapel. My earliest memories of church were in a Methodist Church, where my mother was my Sunday School teacher. By the time I was in the 3rd grade, my mother had a falling out at the Methodist church and we quit attending. My brother and sister had friends that went to a neighborhood Southern Baptist Church with an active youth group, so we started going there. My mother, who was probably a little too stoic for the Southern Baptists never attended with us and, as far as I can remember, never went back to church.

I left the Southern Baptist Church, when I was about 16 years old. There was such an environment of judgemental-ism and elitism, that was making it very hard for me to feel welcome there. When my brother and sister-in-law moved into their new home and found a new church, I joined them. The Conservative Baptist Church was such a better fit for me. Although is was “conservative” the meaning was very different than how we would define the word today. This was a church, where I felt I could ask tough questions; where I didn’t feel that I was being obstinate or heretical for questioning things. After all, these are the years when a person most seeks to understand why they believe what they believe.

I left that church when I met my first husband, opting to go to his church, a place where I never felt truly at home. After we started frequently moving for work, finding a church family became unlikely to impossible. We had one brief wonderful time in Auburn California. We found a church, with a new and dynamic pastor, where we felt at home immediately. Oddly enough, this was the church, where I finally came to terms with the fact that my marriage was a lie, and the only person in the world who knew was my pastor. He did me a great kindness and tried to help as much as he could.

When we left Auburn, that was the last time, I felt safe in a church. When I finally left my marriage, I agreed to take a call with the pastor who had married us. He was one of my husband’s best friends, so it came as no surprise that he would not see my side, and blame me for the dissolution, because, of course, as a woman, the fault would always lie with me. If I was just more Christlike, my husband would have been able to love me. I quit church after that conversation. I’ve been inside a church on only a few occasions since that day. Mostly weddings and funerals. And sadly, I always feel a little dirty.

Over the years, through my life experiences and lots of reading and conversations with people of different faiths, my concept of God is very different than what I was raised for it to be. I wholeheartedly reject the dogma of my religious upbringing. I learned that most of it was man made simply to subjugate parishioners and particularly women. I find it ridiculous that God would entrust me with a brain and capabilities beyond cooking, cleaning and ironing, if he didn’t want me to use them. If I believe that God loves me and wants me to be my best self; the self I am to believe he created me to be. Being subject to another human being, is probably not what he intended.

But is God a he? I don’t think god is a he, or a she, or any human label or construct we can put on it. What I believe is that God is infinite and all encompassing energy. I think religious texts are written in ways that put God in human image so we can relate to him on that level, and because culturally it makes sense. I believe that the truth of god is where all major world religions meet. There are basic tenets of love, energy, faith, service, kindness, compassion, that all resonate above the dogma of each religious faith.

Spirit is real, dogma is a construct.

Where does that leave me at this juncture? I have a certain faith, and in some ways I know that daily meditation and raising my own vibration will get me where I am supposed to be. But somewhere I have a blockage. I talk myself out of daily meditation. I feel guilty for not praying the way I was raised to pray. Maybe there is an underlying guilt, and maybe I am just afraid.

But this is why I ‘m on this journey. This is why I write daily, even if it’s a rambling mess. I’ll look back on this later and wonder why I didn’t do better job editing before publishing. I’m on a quest to figure it out. To define what it is that I really want and to decide how to make it happen.

If you are on this journey with me, I hope my ramblings offer some insight, or some sense of not being alone in the confusion that we call life.

One thought on “Chapter 2 – The G Word

  1. Hey Robin! Thanks for sharing your story with us! I can relate with a lot of your experiences and I know the kind of religion frustration you went through!
    I also was raised in a “christian” family, going at the church and all that stuff but I never really felt close to God!

    During my childhood I heard a lot of messed up things from my own family and I grew up weary and confused!

    I also experienced this men pattern that you talked about and I tried a lot of things: sex,drugs,political moviments,feminism and so on, to try to fill my existente!
    The truth is that none of it could help me!

    Despite of all my bad experiences with religion I always believed in God, so one day I just cried out for Him! He really listens to our prayer, I can tell you that!

    After that, I started a journey of healing and a rediscovering process to know who I really am! Only our creator can tell us who we are!

    It’s been amazing since I said yes to this new life and said YES to Jesus! The God who said “I am the way, the truth and the life” is real, I can tell you!
    I hope that you find your way, that you have a real encounter with this personal, almighty and full of compassion God!
    You just have to ask, with all your heart, and He will reveal himself to you!
    God bless you! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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