The World in Which I Live

Musings from my life – poetry and prose

Day 5

My own ego is stopping me. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

A little over 5 years ago, I left my last job under a very unhappy and stressful situation. I had a possibility of a new job as an option, but I was hoping to do something more daring, more personally inspiring. Something that would demand a lot of travel (my favorite thing), which I had in my last job, and something that would get my out of the tech sector.

I had been working in tech for over 15 years, and worse, I wasn’t a technical person, but an operations/administration/marketing person. I had spent most of my time working in start-ups, helping businesses get up and running and then sticking around because, for some reason, the businesses felt like my baby, even though I wasn’t the owner or even had any financial stake in the companies’ growth. I helped other people make a lot of money, but I haven’t yet figured out how to do that for myself.

I find myself again, working in a small tech company, wearing many hats, making decent money. Instead of escaping tech, I took a job that was a low hanging possibility. I do love so many things about my job. My bosses and co-workers are great, they really are. They are ethical and prudent and transparent with the business. We all work remotely, but use technology to stay in touch on a regular basis. It’s not an unhappy job, but it’s lonely much of the time.

During this era of COVID-19, I feel extraordinarily blessed that I have this job, that I feel secure in this job. I have a steady paycheck, I am safe. My work life has not had to adjust one bit, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. But, there is still something missing. I don’t feel connected, and I don’t feel like I am using my greatest skills. I’m worried that what I used to consider some of my best assets are atrophying because I simply don’t use them.

I used to be a great leader. I could build coalitions and create teamwork where once there had been chaos. I felt vital. I don’t feel that anymore. I feel like my work is mundane and I am not challenged anymore. When I started here, there was something to build, a fledgling business. Now the business is running smoothly and I find myself procrastinating, putting things off to create urgent deadlines. It just occurred to me, that maybe that is a way of creating some excitement in my work life.

When I think about what I’d really rather be doing. I know it’s something to do with writing, but not chained to a desk. It’s a job where I get to be around people more and includes travel. I’ve become a hermit, and I’m not really happy about that. Travel writing seems an obvious choice, but for whatever reason, I keep talking myself out of it.

Right now. There’s not a lot to do to kick off a new life self-isolation means not venturing out too much. But as I wait for this time to pass, I need to spend time digging into the truth. To figure out what it is I want, and not just what seems obvious or practical. I know there’s something more. I just need to figure out what that is.

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