Chapter 7 – I Know You Are, But What Am I?

Day 8

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb.
I also know I’m not a blonde.

Dolly Parton

I try always to approach my life with integrity. It’s fair to say, I am not always successful. I know I have let people down in my life. I know I have often shut down in the face of conflict and didn’t always stand up for myself the way I should have. I do believe that the biggest victim when I lack integrity is myself.

I lie to myself the most. I quit the things I want to accomplish the most. I have made dozens of false starts on so many things. I have probably half a dozen partially written screenplays, plays and novels. I usually get 15-30 pages in and then put up a roadblock for myself, and then put it aside, to not pick it up again for years (sometimes decades). I’ve started businesses, production companies, flirted with freelance work, to the point of signing up for courses I never finish and still, I dropped all of them without seeing any of them to fruition.

As much as it would be nice to place the blame elsewhere, there is not one iota of truth to it. I alone am responsible for quitting so many things. Occasionally, someone would say something to make me question myself, but as an adult, I should have known to turn a deaf ear.

One of the great things about this time of social distancing is that, while I am still busy with work, I don’t have any excuses to run out and do other things rather than focusing internally and re-creating the habit of daily writing. I hope this will lead me to writing more. I certainly hope to develop, particularly through my work on this book-guided journal, the skills a tools to become the badass the book is guiding me to be.

I just need to have integrity…with myself.

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