The World in Which I Live

Day 11

I just spent the last few minutes going through my mail just to avoid writing this entry. I have an issue with meditation that I suspect isn’t uncommon, but still, I am embarrassed by it.

When I do meditate, all the things taught about meditation ring true. I can feel in the moment. I can feel calm and as though the stress is removed from my body. I feel more intuitive and focused. I can hear my inner voice more clearly. I can feel the light and the love. I have even, on occasion, felt altered, in the zone, out of my body.

Even as I know all these things to be true, why is it I cannot build a consistent practice? Why is it, I have so many false starts? It has become clear that it is a common thread through everything in my life: projects I start and don’t finish, courses I never graduate from, books I start and make it only part of the way through.

What kept going through my brain while I was wring the last paragraph was, “Do you think you’re not worth it?” This brings to mind a time in my late 20s when a therapist told me that they believed I was not afraid of failure, but that I was terrified of success. At the time, I thought it was ludicrous, who would ever be afraid of success? Me, yup. I’ve proven it over and over again.

I start a project, I am really excited about, passionate even, and then suddenly, I put up a roadblock, I don’t like the name of my protagonist; stop writing the book or the play. Come up with an idea for a business venture and instead of making a go of it, I glom onto someone else’s idea and make them notable and successful, while I work in the background, barely noticeable.

What am I so scared of? Why do I stop myself just when something is getting good? Why don’t I consistently take 5, 10, 20, 30 minutes a day to just meditate? I am completely capable. I have plenty of time and freedom to do that whenever I want or need. So why do I stop myself?

If I am truly going to find and honor and cherish my badass self, I am going to have to commit 100%. to this practice.

Today, I will set up a meditation space, and I will commit myself to use it every day. I think my life depends on it.

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