The World in Which I Live

Musings from my life – poetry and prose

Day 13

Photo by Anubhaw Anand on

This chapter was not about what I thought it was going to be about. As an acting student in the mid to late 90’s, I learned about how a person leads with whatever their center is and one of the ways to find a character in a person you are playing is to find their center. Some people lead with their heart, they are open-armed and they are led by their upper torso, when they approach you they make you feel embraced even as they just walk toward you. Others are led by their head, leaning in, if you will, their face, the first thing you notice as they approach you. Those people driven by their crotch, as you suspect reek of sensuality and sex. Hips, thrust forward as they approach you. Playing a drunk, meant putting your center somewhere outside your body, trying without much luck to get your body to re-merge with it. No fake slurring or stumbling, simply trying to get your center back. It’s a lesson that stuck with me. I still look at people this way sometimes. It helps me read them.

But, like I said, this chapter wasn’t about reading other people or creating characters, but maybe the tie-in for me is reevaluating where I lead from. I have over the course of my life have alternated, leading by my head and heart. I suppose, I even had moments of leading by the crotch, but primarily heart and head. It all depending on what seemed most effective at the time.

Leading by the crotch is this chapter means, being audacious, brave, and crazy. Not envying the young for their youth, but finding that same energy in myself and reclaiming the childlike wonder and fearlessness. The part of me that decides to try something just to see if I can get away with it. That doesn’t care if someone else thinks I’m nuts. Something that makes me feel vital and alive. Fully living my own life.

It’s been a long time since I felt fearless and brave, and in the past few months, that once brave girl seems farther from me than I care to admit. But, if I think of it though, and do the math, it’s really only been a couple years since I did my last brave thing. So maybe, I’m just in a funk today, and not feeling a tremendous amout of self love.

So, instead of going down the rabbit hole of all the ways I’m not brave, I’m just going to remind myself (and you, if you’re reading) of how to lead with my crotch.

  1. Just see what you can get away with
  2. Lose track of time
  3. keep being the Beginner
  4. Love yourself

You can choose courage, or you can choose comfort, but you cannot choose both.”

Brené Brown

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