I’m a day late. I was even going to skip today. My asthma is getting the best of me. That said, I don’t want to fall down the rabbit hole of excuses another day and throw myself completely off track. So here it is, for better of worse…
I like to think I am a giving person and I know that when I am able to give a gift that excites the recipient, I feel really good. That’s the point of giving, isn’t it? We give…it makes someone happy… we, in turn, feel happy. It’s selfish even though it’s not meant to be.
In recent months, I’ve begun to feel less giving and more self guarded. As the world deals with COVID-19, I feel like all the sheltering in place, while necessary, especially for someone, like me, with already compromised lungs, has in many ways shut me off from the world.
With all the means to stay in touch through technology, I’m not speaking to my family nearly enough. An occasional text message is about all I can manage with my closest friends. I have cut off nearly all news, but still see nearly daily human beings treating other human beings with such hatred and violence.
As much as I try to guard myself from the violence, I too am beginning to feel the rage. As a white woman, with all the fortune I’ve had in my life, saying that I’m sorry for all this unbridled violence against innocent people of color seems pointless. I am so sorry, and so heartsick, and I simply feel like my voice no longer matters. Today is a day, I just want to roll up into a ball and disappear.
It’s hard for me to write those words as this is supposed to be a project in “badassery”, but today, is not a day for that. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel inspired to be excited about life, but today is not that day. Today, I need to mourn people I have never met, and will never be able to.
I know there is light in this darkness, there always is. But today, I just can’t see it.