Chapter 15 – Forgive or Fester

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Day 16

Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.

~Lily Tomlin

Forgiveness, for me, seems like an ever evolving practice. Which makes me wonder, do I ever fully forgive? I sense that while I think I’ve let things go, sometimes I feel myself getting angry or defensive or shaken by things I thought I was over. It causes me to wonder if I’ve only partially forgiven.

This isn’t even a concept I’ve considered. I always felt that if I reached the point where the wrongs against me were merely stories, and I felt more pity than anger at the person who wronged me that meant I was healed, and had moved on.

I’ve learned lately that, if triggered in just the right way, those hurt feelings can come storming back ferociously. I think my current living situation has me in an extremely vulnerable emotional state and finding true forgiveness is hard. I’m living a life of bearing with it, and mostly-polite walking-on-eggshells and I think in many ways it has re-opened wounds, I though long past healed.

I know this too will pass and I will again find myself in peace and forgiveness, because I know that most of the things I’ve taken on personally probably had little to do with me. And I am sure I am in need of forgiveness in my own right.

in the meantime, I’ll just keep working through things, and trying to discover and free my best self.

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