Chapter 17 – It’s So Easy Once You Figure Out It Isn’t Hard – part three

Day 20

  1. My standards are too high. Maybe if I lower them I’ll find someone to love me
  2. I don’t know if anyone “deserves” anything. (Mostly used when someone tells me I “deserve” to be loved)
  3. I’m too sensitive
  4. I am too under-educated to present myself as an expert on anything

These are the last four of the ten stories I tell myself. The ones that no longer serve me. The ones that I need to replace with truth.

My standards are too high. Maybe if I lower them I’ll find someone to love me – This is the B.S.iest of the B.S. How can my standard too high? Seriously? Do I think so little of myself that I end up with men that are jobless, ambitiousness, emotionally broken and sadly, that I don’t even find attractive, because I don’t think I deserve someone better than that, someone I am crazily attracted to, someone who gives to me in equal measure what I give to them?

The truth is, yes. For the past 10 years or so, that is exactly what I have done and it’s made me miserable. It actually increased the self-loathing. I knew I was selling myself short. I knew I was settling, but I felt I was past my prime and no one was out there.

I am immensely aware that I am no super-model, that I carry baggage and issues with me that may be too big a load for many. But do I actually have to be a super-model, with nothing but a knapsack with my basic necessities, to simply find a life-partner that is my equal or maybe even greater than? I hope not. I need to start believing that I deserve what I desire. Simply the fact that I desire it, means I can be, if I am not already, worthy of that.

Which leads right into…

I don’t know if anyone “deserves” anything. (Mostly used when someone tells me I “deserve” to be loved) – Yes, I deserve what I desire, because what I desire is good for everyone involved. I am capable of giving good love, I deserve to be given good love.

I’m too sensitive – Nope, I am just the right amount of sensitive. I have spent a lot of time learning that my sensitivity is one of the most beautiful gifts I have been given. What I need to work on is not taking everything so personally. I can master my sensitivity, if I don’t make myself responsible for everyone else’s response to me.

I am too under-educated to present myself as an expert on anything – Yes, this is another big one. I pull this out of my hat every time I think of leaving a job, or starting my own business, or writing something. Even when doing something like this, just as an exercise, I feel like I need to justify my right to write.

I could have a double-doctorate and still would use this excuse as a reason to not risk doing something that drives me, and inspires me. This is an excuse I need to completely and wholeheartedly walk away from. My natural gifts were given to me to use. And that is the end of that.

It’s taken a few days to get through this chapter. Not as easy as I wish it had been, but taking a few days to work through a half a century of stories I tell myself, is worth every minute.

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