The urge to not write today was strong. This chapter in particular may have felt too chastising at this moment. I actually read the chapter several hours ago and instantly heard all my defenses and excuses come flooding into my brain.
I needed some time, (and a few episodes of Ally McBeal) to quiet my defenses and maybe even get some insight. I had to laugh at myself for running to the consolation of TV (a bad habit) to deal with being encouraged to drop all my bad habits that get in the way of doing what I must to get the life that I really want.
I felt a bit called out for writing (is this just spewing instead of doing?) instead of acknowledging that this is the work I’m doing now to drive me toward the life I want.
The life I want is quite literally on the other side of this pandemic. A life where I am once again truly out in the world. A life where I am earning a living as a writer, getting my work published. That life can’t be lived yet. But I do believe I am working toward it, even if what I’m doing at this point, writing a blog that is primarily self-indulgent and introspective.
Of course, there is a part of me that hopes that someone will read something I write and recognize themselves in it, and maybe feel less alone in the world. I do write for myself and, in large part, just to make myself pay homage to the muse, so she’ll bless me. But also, I want to hold myself accountable and do the work I need to do to become who I really feel like I am supposed to be.
Because I am going to stay-at-home for the foreseeable near future, there are things in the physical world I won’t do for a while, no matter how desperately I may want to. So for now, I am going to live here, in the words of this journal. And, when I finish this book in a few short days, I will move onto something else, to keep me writing. Because I know that ultimately what I really want to do is communicate. To share words with the world, whether they be just my thoughts for the day, or a story, or an essay, or some poetry.
I want desperately to live the rest of my days with my muse and if I’m blessed to find someone who loves me and that I love back, that will be the icing on this big beautiful cake of life made with millions of stories and poems.
So here’s my lesson for today: I will do and spew because they can both live in the same body at the same time.