It’s always been a struggle for me, when transitioning out of relationships, to get back to myself. I have always been someone who lost myself in the relationships I was in. There have been times that I looked at myself in in the mirror and saw only death in my my eyes. A soullessness that saddened and frightened me. A terror that came from compromising so much that I lost touch with what I truly valued in my life and lost track of what I believed and that which I dreamed.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that utter sense of loss of self. I’ve not fallen that far into darkness in twenty years, but I have gotten close. Although I am much stronger now than I was then, I still have a tendency to give away so much of myself that I become less inclined to see my inherent value. I’ve given way to gas lighting, manipulation to the point of feeling that I am the cause of the chaos in the relationship. I still draw narcissists to me, and even though I do actually know better, I chose to see the best in people even after they prove to me how absolutely wrong I am.
This journey I’ve been on over the past few months has given me a new sense of self. A reinstatement of my values, and a strength to pursue that which makes me happy. I have been reteaching myself to dream again, to again believe in my talents and my obligation to share them. Of course, going back to the dreams of my past seem silly at this point. I am not the same person that I was at twenty-five, and the need to express myself in the ways that I did then, don’t resonate with me now. Even still, the need for self-expression is palpable and now I am able to recognize it as my primary value.
I don’t know if I’ll have something of value to share every day. I hope to sometimes be blessed with some valuable insight and inspiration. Some days I am sure to just write a bunch of nonsense and drivel, but if every once in a while I can add value to the world, I will have met my most important life goal.