Flashback: June 11, 2020. I wrapped up the last chapter of “You Are A Badass” by Jen Sincero. I was on fire. I was for one proud of myself for finally finishing the book after letting it sit on a shelf for way too long a time, and two ready to start working on my dream of finally feeling like I could legitimately call myself a poet.
I had big plans to finally start working on a publishing worthy tome. I bought a subscription to Scrivener, planned a writing solo writing retreat to Taos, New Mexico, and made a plan. A plan I let fall apart over time. Sure, I’ve worked on my poetry here and there. I spent part of my time in Taos setting dividing up my poetry into sections, did a little writing, and started an outline for a life manifesto. Seven months later; I still have an outline for my manifesto that I forget daily to even look at. I’ve written a half dozen or so poems and have been trying to write a haiku a day.
I also reworked my blog site, so all my poems have their own page, I bought a new template and changed my color scheme. I’ve played around with how I want to publish my haiku work on a daily basis, rather than a weekly drop of everything. I’ve played a lot, experimented a bit, but I haven’t really set in stone any solid habits.
My daily Haiku was really only week”daily”, as I started avoiding my office on the weekend. On the days when I wasn’t interrupted by work and had the most time to be productive, I was avoiding doing the real work.
So, here I am Feb 4, 2021, still in self-imposed confinement due to COVID with nothing but time on my hands, and I am still stuck in the same old patterns of playing, experimenting, and wasting a monumental amount of time staring at a screen (okay, lots of different screens) instead of devoting myself to the thing I say I want the most.
Granted, during this last several months, I have been dealing with the removal of a tenant, who continues to make my life hell, so much so that I had to file a protection order against him. Thankfully, I had lots of psycho receipts, so the court easily granted my request. This ordeal, froze me in many ways. I often write to work through these types of things, but usually not right away. I sit on my feelings for months, sometimes years, before I feel brave enough to put into words the toll it’s taken and the lessons I’ve learned. I’m still working through all of this, so I’m not quite there. I know that I will be, but I’m just not yet.
The great thing about the Haiku writing, is that it gets me in a different headspace for a few minutes a day. I usually do it right after I take a moment to jot down a few things I’m grateful for. It’s relatively easy to come up with something. Some mornings I wake up with a new verse fresh in my head as if I wrote it in my sleep. While I follow the 5-7-5 pattern. I let go of all the other rules most of the time. The downside is that in some ways I feel like I’m cheating; doing something easy to say I’m writing every day without really committing fully to the craft of writing. But right now, it’s the only really good habit I have, so I’m going to keep on it.
So, now to the point of this first chapter. Who am I in the habit of being?
- I am in the habit of being a dutiful employee. My employment is the central focus of every weekday from 8 am – 5 pm. That is fine. It’s the thing that gives me the means and life to pursue all the other things I want to do in my life, so there’s no shame there.
2. I am in the habit, of reminding myself to be grateful (again, sometimes, only on weekdays when I rely on my journal/planner).
3. I am in the habit of writing one quick haiku a day (sometimes a 2nd pops into to my head, which really excites me).
And now the not so great habits that I need to get the heck out of!
4. I am in the habit of starting my morning by picking up my phone and falling to scrolling hell. This happens periodically throughout the day as well.
5. I am in the habit of rushing to my desk in the morning before a good meditation to get my mind settled (a habit I was developing before I got thrown off my game, and a habit I need to re-build)
6. I am in the habit of turning on the TV way too soon after work and falling into a lull and never snapping out of it until bedtime. I am dangerously addicted to being entertained.
7. I am in the habit of NOT doing yoga at least three times a week, in spite of the fact that I actually love yoga and I always feel better after I do it.
That’s a pretty good list for my first day.
Just writing this down, makes clear what it is I need to do to become who I want to be. So here I go, on another journey…a next step really in the direction I want to go to become that badass chick I want to be.